fuckf
uckf
u
ck


i need someone to talk to. i need someone who really cares.

i can't wait for my rollercoaster to start it's epic climb again.

tip: don't jump out of your rollercoaster seat and try to force it up the tracks, the car will win and roll you down and it's going to take way more than a full box of hello kitty band-aids to fix you up.

as of late my coaster can't quite understand where to go, 'cept down, and i hate when my stomach drops and disappears.

it must go back up soon. it fucking must.

i guess i just have too much love to give and thought it'd be beneficial to pour it all into this one ride, maybe i flooded the engine.



or maybe i really am an asshole who deserves to ride this potentially awesome coaster perpetually downward.
remind me to complain to whoever built this thing, somethings wrong.

i guess it doesn't matter which direction i'm riding, up or down, because i'm also missing the super secret ingredient....you know when you ride sweet rollercoasters and theres that one special person next to you that you all of a sudden grip hands with when it gets really exciting? or the one person watching from the side that you can't wait to wave to? yeah i miss that. i miss the shit out of that.


fuck you if you built my roller coaster, i'll find you sucker!




anyway, i can't believe  you're actually still reading this. If you're interested in coaster-repair you should probably give me a call. ineeditasap.












justin

hey remember back to the last time you hung out with me?
was it awesome?
well let's do it again so i don't have to be alone.
I really fucking miss/need hangouts and all of you should be a part of it.
if you get back in touch with me you will be my superhero.
dead serious.

I love all of you.
Justin



also, i posted some new music the other day here:::   myspace.com/coinopcoinop

It's new. It's just me and it's instrumental (but i have a feeling that whatever idea you have of instrumental music will not align with how this sounds, for better or for worse).  I'd really appreciate it if you took some time to listen. It might just be annoying and confusing but I'm proud of it and if you give it a chance I think you'll all like it too. be my friend?

thanks so much!

I've been nothing but emotional. Filled with hopes and heaps of nervies for all directions in time.
I just hope harder than I've ever hoped that things are okay and getting better.
I love so much.
So damn much.



I've gotta big big big big heart beat, yeah
I think you are the sweetest thing
I wear a coat of feelings and they are loud
I've been having good days
Think we are the right age
To start out own peculiar ways
With good friendly homes?
You get me freaked freaked freaked on preakness
Never met a girl that likes to drink with horses
Knows her chinese ballet
Must admit you smell like fruity nuts and good grains
When you show my purple gaze
A thing or two at night
Make me sick sick sick to kiss you and I think that i would vomit
But I'll do that on mondays i dont have a work way
I like it when I bump you an accident's a truth gate
I'm humbled in your pretty lense
I'll hold you dont you go
Sometimes you're quiet and sometimes I'm quiet. Hallelujah!
Sometimes I'm talkative and sometimes you're not talkative, I know....
Well i'd like to spread your perfume around the old apartment
Could we live together and agree on the same wares?
A trapeze is a bird cage even if its empty and definitely fits the room
And we would toooo
And my dear dear dear khalana
I talk too much about you
Their ears are getting tired of me singing all the night through
Lets just talk together
You and me and me and you
And if theres nothing much to say
Well, silence is a bore
I've gotta big big big big heart beat, yeah
I think you are the sweetest thing
I wear a coat of feelings and they are loud
I've been having good days
Think we are the right age
To start out own peculiar ways
With good friendly homes?
Sometimes you're quiet and sometimes I'm quiet hallelujah
Sometimes I'm talkative and sometimes you're not talkative i know....
Sometimes you hear me when others they can't hear me. Hallelujah!
Sometimes I'm naked and thank god Sometimes you're naked. Well, hello.....
Can I tell you that you are the purple in me?
Can I call you just to hear you, would you care?
When I saw you put your purple finger on me
There's a feelin' in your bottle
Found your bottle, found your heart
Gives a feeling from your bottled little part

the thing is, I've been so busy with school and not school. 

I've been the happiest I've ever been,

I've fallen into something more remarkable than remarkable,

I've been not so happy too, and stressed (several ultra-long assignments, one of which required re-doing),

but I am handling everything pretty alright.

Long story short, I'm having ups and downs.  The worst part is, I hate roller-coasters.

No, I like them.  Especially those metaphysical ones.

all of you stop forgetting about me, let me know what's good.

I haven't quite had the motivation (or the internet) required to post in detail about things this past month. How do ya like that?

These happenings keep happening And now movements are making moves There are fingerprints, subtle hints There are things you cannot choose I can see forever all these things They are obvious to me We are flawless proof We are breaking loose I am ready to expire in all directions All this breaking news Just keeps breaking you For the first time you're afraid And you take what they left Choke on their success But you're nothing anyway

My sister bought me a beta fish the other day. I still haven't named it, it needs to be amazing. I don't have him at school with me because the tank they bought me was cracked in exactly 5 places. I guess they got a new tank and he's is waiting for me back home. I hope he lives forever, my last one died at my ex-girlfriend's mom's condo and then I was thrown to the curb...how much can a guy take, ya know? Help with names.

I have been really sore for the past few days because I was in an experimental mood during the last visit I made to the gym on campus. Yesterday my dad and the rest of that side of the family came to Lowell to take me for dinner. I had quite the cornucopia full of cold symptoms and was still sore so I took some medicine. The bottle of regular pain reliever was sitting exactly next to the pm version. GUESS WHICH ONE I ACCIDENTALLY TOOK. I was falling asleep at restaurant.

This is exciting...My school lost my immunization records so I can't register for classes until I get copies of all of them, or I have to get something on the order of 12 shots in a couple days.

Saturday was nice, camping turned into a lake house full of comforters and sweatshirts, the smell of burned jiffy pop, under pressure melodies, ANXIETY, Mexican spirits, and smiles.

also, I don't have to work today.

im a huge t rex: eat some of your weirdo animal snacks
mostly just in: I can't believe I didn't think of that

And then I went to my surreptitiously hidden secret stash of secret weirdo animal snacks and discovered them all to be missing...I can't even believe this. Why does this have to happen to me at the exact moment I need weirdo snacks meant for animals and the like. gosh.




Anyway, my stomach kills because I think I put 2 week old very vanilla soy milk in my cereal a few hours ago.
I don't have any animal snacks but I do have zombie movies.

I'm making the bed with you in it shut up just sit still just a minute i'm making the bed with you in it you've got that I'm-Archduke-Ferdinand-and-I-just-got-shot face on weren't you born into a corner you know your mind isn't your own I'm making the bed with you in it you need to incubate just admit it I'm making the bed with you in it you've got that I'm-tortured-with-thorns-and-gore-forsaken-for-whose-sake on like any one of a dozen pilgrims walking off into wintered woods one zero / one zero / I'm making the bed with you in it jellyfish piggybank pomegranate I'm baking the meds with you in it you've got that I'm-a-woman-climbing-from-an-idling-semi's-cab on carrying only her pillow through dark parkingscape alone seeing the one zero / one zero / one zero / one zero / one zero / one zero / one zero / one zero / one zero / being the one zero

one is so much more than none than 2 could ever be to one.

I wish there were rules for this sort of thing. Or at least something that implies a corollary spectrum of enrichment. I hate when computer models take over. Ridiculous.

frustrating music experience + sweetkidshangingout = above limen on the awesome night scale

|---------7p0---------5p0-----0---------0------------0------------0--------|
|-----8-------8---3h5-----3h5-----------0------------0------------0-------|
|-------9-------9-------------------0---0--------0---0--------0---0---------|
|---9-----------------------------2---2-2------2---2-2------2---2-2------2-|
|-7-----------------------------3-------3----3-------3----3-------3----3----|
|------------------------------------------------------------------------------|


|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
|------------------t16---------------------------------------t16-------------------------|
|------------------------------------------------t16--------------------17p5------- t17-|
|t17p7-t19p7-t17p7-----t17p5-t19p5-t17p5-----t17p3-------t17p3-----t17p3------|
|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| neat

This weekend was one of the best I've had in months.
Saturday I woke up and Mike and I went for a run.
I knew that the rest of the weekend would follow amazingly when I watched a 14 year old sink a game winning half court three pointer while we were running on the track above the court.
We ate and then left for Lunenburg, though disappointed that the prospect of Ross-time wouldn't come to fruition. I miss my snow-brother.
I visited my mom and that's always nice for me. Then we went thrashing for a bit, which really means JuicyD and Mike ripped it up and I watched from a seated position on my skateboard next to Yuta.
It was fun regardless, I loved just being around awesome kids.
I met up with meaghan at the show because she had to buy a porn magazine to make a birthday present for a friend and she was too embarrassed to buy one herself.
We all went to Conquest video and mike bought the magazine for meaghan, I bought Yuta some condoms because he wanted some but was too young to go in and I bought Shawn a brown penis pencil topper for forty nine cents.
The show at Andrew Hall was neat. I felt out of place.
Then we went to Mary's.
So many awesome people, such a great time. I'll be honest, I didn't get my hopes up knowing that a state police officer lives next door to her condo and everyone at the party would be underage.
But it was so fun. I love my friends. I made a few new friends that are amazing and tolerated my ridiculous rants about whatever was on my mind, so they rule. Kippy and Jamie are amazing, I need to hang out with them soon.
At one point I was playing guitar and I was a little drunk so I might have been playing a little too hard and my hand evaluated the situation as BLOOD TIME. My fingers are kind of mangled and I have a huge blister that hurts. Speaking of guitar, John G made my night by playing August. He gave me too much credit though, he was playing crazy formations that I normally play with like two fingers. He's nuts, I love playing with him. I also felt bad that he had to leave at like 5:45 in the morning, that's terrible.
All in all it was an amazing day followed up by a better night. I'm so glad everything turned out well and that I got to be around so many amazing people that make me feel at home.
In the morning I came back to Lowell and thought that the best solution to a hangover was a cup full of Panda Puffs and chocolate soymilk. JEEZ was I wrong. terrible. Then I "worked" 6 hours, most of the time filling out paper work (like a job application?!) that never was filed by the manager that hired me a year ago...the only form they had of mine was a w4 so that's why I was still getting paid but the company didn't otherwise know I existed for the year that I've worked there. insane.

that's it.

tonight is House of the Dead night...pumped.

Well this is the first entry that I've made in livejournal in quite a few years.
I don't actually know what the easiest way is to catch you all up.
well, especially recently, a lot has changed.
As of a couple weeks ago I've been flying solo as far as relationships go,
It wasn't my choice, which is the nice way of saying I was dumped, but either way it has been an eye opening and difficult few weeks.
On a happier note, with Rainsford being all done,
I've been able to experiment with new music for a while now.
My new project is CampKeepTheQuiet featuring Shawn M on the singtubes,
Jesse Dinneen on the beepers, Andy G behind the kit, I think I play a harp,
and Nick takes care of the low end (except he doesn't seem to have much free time for it).
We've been practicing 2 nights a week for a few months now and we're finally just about ready to record.
We played our first show in shawn's basement and it seemed to go rather well even though Nick couldn't make it.
If you were there I hope you enjoyed everything, if you have any constructive comments I'd love to hear them...
I got to see quite a few people that mean a lot to me and it really made me realize how lucky I was, I had an excellent night.
As of late, I've been learning exponentially more and more about everything I care about.
I have been enjoying my classes very much, and am eager to start planning out exactly which tributary of Psychology I wish to pursue in graduate school and the rest of my life.
I also want to apologize for losing touch with any of you. I've had you all in mind since the last we spoke or hung out, I guess I just had a hard time with a lot of stuff recently
and unfortunately a few close relationships suffered from it. I have been trying my best to reconnect with everyone,
If I've been acting a little differently I would imagine it's because I'm struggling to not wear my emotions on my sleeves, and I'm trying to be a good friend,
I'm trying too hard, I just need to stop thinking so hard and start looking around.
Thanks to all of you guys who didn't give up on me even though I completely would have deserved the opposite. I will make it up to you. It's a promise.
Meaghan came up to visit Tuesday night, I hadn't seen or really talked to her in about a year. I missed her a lot, we had a lot of fun hanging out with my other roommates, my step brother and a few other assorted friends. It was such a breath of fresh air. It made me super happy to hang out but reciprocally upset to realize all the fun I missed out on for a full year.
Well, I'll be back soon. Maybe tomorrow. That's enough for tonight.